like a rubber band

my faith is always being stretched like a rubber band. did you know if you left a rubber band over a long time it will lose its elasticity and snap into two at the very first pull. i had a difficult exam on monday and i dont know whether i accumulated enough marks to cross the line. i maintained a healthy average over the semester but the lecturer decided he would experiment and completely change the format of questions from previous exams. i studied my best but seemed to falter on the day and now i'm in a post exam funk. there is so much on the line. graduation. my 2 month asia trip. my future. what lays ahead is a nervous wait until the evening of july 15. ive decided to not book any accomodation, process my visas or think about the trip until i know my result. but its so hard to just surrender. to let go. to not dwell. cease back up plans. oh i need a miracle.

in the darkness, in trial, my soul shall sing
of His mercy, and kindness, our offering of praise
our God never fails, our God never fails

unquestionable practicality

i hate it when places, things on your desk or songs remind you of someone. i want to say, give me back that song. i dont want a memory associated with it, please. i walk down lygon street past the small reserve and i remember laying on the grass in my suit after an interview enjoying a coffee with a friend. although she was three years older, we understood each other and had the capacity to make our lives a little happier.

Through this twilight universe Daisy began to move again with the season; suddenly she was again keeping half a dozen dates a day with half a dozen men and drowsing asleep at dawn with the beads and chiffon of an evening dress tangled among dying orchids on the floor beside her bed. And all the time something within her was crying for a decision. She wanted her life shaped now, immediately--and the decision must be made by some force--of love, of money, of unquestionable practicality--that was close at hand.

this is an extract from the great gabsy. when i read it, it came to me as a warning. the older we get, our innocence disappears. fall in love, fall out. and perhaps until the decision of who we choose to be with is marked by the force of unquestionable practicality.

i dont want to settle for someone who is right for me now. i want to be with the best person. im afraid. fast forward four years; having a career, quarter life crisises, looking towards buying a house, there is so much more complications that will factor in when finding a suitor. and im afraid of it coming down to that force of unquestionable practicality. the simplicity or convenience of it all. i dont want that. i want it to be like a boy walking into a candy store.

my story ends with she being engaged with someone who her parents would find acceptable. which is totally fine with me. but i dont want it to happen to me with someone i truly care about. you know you truly care about them when you think about them everyday. you close your eyes and you find her there. you want to see her happy. it sounds like great, lofty things i'd say half heartedly but i really mean it.

part two.

i have this defence mechanism where by i dont get too close with someone. im afraid to try. however the law of averages states that the more you try the higher the chances you have of getting what you want. with that in mind, im going to start throwing hints from today onwards. there is less to fix, more room to build during student life.

journey home

i was a little boy
alone in my little world
who dreamed of a little home for me

i finalised my asia trip this afternoon. i booked all my flights six months ahead of my scheduled departure and i've learnt one thing, time is money. i left my return flights to melbourne via HK, KL for this week and it cost me $150 extra than it would have if i had booked it 10 days before. but thankfully it is all settled and paid for now. i will be travelling to malaysia, singapore, vietnam, cambodia, china, hong kong and macau during the months of july, august and september. and i'm going to be travelling alone. why?

i want to feel things.
i want to see the places ive studied in history class or only seen in picture books.
i want to take a series of photo stills of the most amazing places in the world which i'll keep my heart.
i want to ride the rollercoaster of emotions that you get when your travelling alone.
i want to take a step into someone's life; watch their day unfold and understand how their values are built upon the same social construct as per mine.
i want to enter into my headspace and find where my home in this world is.

this trip is also a back to front journey, recording the footsteps of how my parents travelled on their route to australia via china, cambodia and vietnam. i want to visit the cities they grew up in, the roads they took as foreigners and really understand that when fate deals you an unlucky card, you have to learn to deal with it. and after this trip i think i will appreciate the place i am at in this big world.