Instability

there's not a sound
outside the snow's coming down
and somehow I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

This is going to be one tough week. My body is riddled with sickness and my heart is not at peace. And there is a lot of work to do. I've been sleeping in bed for the whole day. I don't have the strength to move and I don't have the appetite to eat. I wish I could just sleep and wake up when all of this is over. There is only 6 weeks left of this that I have to go through. I just long for a day where I go to sleep and don't have to worry about tomorrow. But my friend said that work is like that everyday. Sigh. A breakdown comes before a breakthrough.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phillipians 4:6

This is going to be the encouragement I need.

Life in a penguin's snow globe.

Proverbs 21:17

He who loves pleasure will become poor; whoever loves wine and oil will never be rich.

Those that have wisdom, often do great things, even against those confident of their strength. It is our great concern to keep our souls from being entangled and disquieted. But the foolish misspend what they have upon their lusts. Here is the misery of the slothful; their hands refuse to labour in an honest calling, by which they might get an honest livelihood; yet their hearts cease not to covet riches, pleasures, and honours, which cannot be obtained without labour. But the righteous and industrious have their desires satisfied.

Several months ago I was doing my devotional one night and I wanted to hear from God. I wanted to know where I was going wrong in my life. So I was skimming through the book of Proverbs, stumbed across Proverbs 21:17, and right at that moment my heart knew this verse spoke of the life I lived. My soul has been deprived of peace for a long time. At times some weeks are great and you get a lot done, but others you get distracted by worldly things and it puts you off on the wrong track. The 'foolish misspend what they have upon their lusts'. It's a close friend's birthday on a Saturday night and a week prior we make up our minds that its going to be an alcohol-induced night. You sing songs, make memorable jokes but do things you regret in the morning. And you regret your actions because its puts your spiritual soul at unrest. Its a catalyst for further drawing yourself away from the light of righteous and you feel trapped in a whirlwind that is spinning in circles. Dust gets into your eyes and you can't see ahead. And not until you acknowledge the problem, will you be able to get yourself out of there. That was one month ago..

I strive to be a man. One who is able to control his emotions. One that is able to provide for his family. A person that knows what he needs in life and has the strength to go get it. Its something that I've been lacking for a while. At the age of 21 and still too boyish. Having my cup of milo made for me in the morning by my mum or being afraid of speaking up for myself. You see, my life has been a little too comfortable. I think its my parents trying to deflect reality and wanting a new start for their son. I haven't been able to appreciate their sacrifice at all. I'm complacent. Sailing on my yacht, letting the wind direct my course.

My facebook status was once, perfectly lonely.

I'm perfectly lonely
Cause I don't belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me
It's the way that I want it
It's the way that I want it
It's the way that I want it

When I was in a relationship, there was one person who I put my faith in, her. Whenever I felt the world was crumbling around me, what I would do was that I'd drop her a line and she would tell me things are going to be okay. It was all I needed. But I was really selfish. In her times of need, I was never there for her. A friend is someone who helps you up when you're down, and if they can't, they lay down beside you and listen. However all I gave was closed end responses. I didn't want to listen to her but I 'd want her to listen to me vent about my life. And now when I look back, she was right when she said I was self-centered. I was really was.

But now I choose to vent to God. In my quiet time, I lay on my bed with eyes close and pray. I pray for the things that went wrong during the week and ask about how I am going to change next week.

Side note.

2008 Reach youth group camp, God's promise in you. Piece by piece, I am seeing the words of prophecy coming to pass. I was reminded that I needed to honour God with my time, especially during exam period. In the past, I would skip church and use the day to study instead. However, now even with mid semester tests on the Monday I have heart to go on Sunday mornings fully trusting that He will endow me with the strength and wisdom I need for my studies. It may sound like a minor thing to some but to me it is one step forward. Another was that I will be stronger. At first, it was easy to take it literally and think about physique. But I don't think that was the intended meaning. Somehow I relate it metaphorically to being shaped into a man. I am learning to control my emotions better and learning to love my family more so. I hardly ever argue with my siblings anymore. I'm becoming more generous in giving, providing for others. I have the desire to pour out the love I have held back inside. And finally, my future partner. I want to relisten to it for the exact words but I do remember; someone that is beautiful inside, someone that will complement me and will care for me all of my days. Its amazing to hear those promises because it's what I need. I feel really alone at times because all I want is a phone call with someone whom I care a lot about. I want to learn to listen and share. There was so much I did wrong in past that I don't want any other girl to go through. The love I gave was that of the world, and not of the Heavenly father's love. And not until I can fully understand that concept of love, will I be able to be in a relationship.

Penguin.

Japan and old love

I booked flights to Osaka Japan for December. And I will be traveling by myself. This is my self-discovery adventure. There was so much doubt, fear and it did overwhelm me at first. But I wanted to do something crazy, dive into the deep end and this is it. I have three months to brush up on my Japanese and also I have to plan my trip carefully. I will stay in Kyoto, the cultural capital of Japan. Rent a bike and cycle around the city.





























And day trips to Osaka and Nara. It will be one week trip, expensive I can imagine. I really need to see the world. Why?

I feel that there is so much I need to learn. So much to see. And since I'm still a 21 year old who doesn't know his place in this universe just yet, I need experiences to speak life into me. It feels like I have such a narrow view of the world. I don't see how big it is. How much there is on offer. How much there is to explore and the chances of discovering new things.

Singing lessons are going great too! And I've been learning Comfortable - John Mayer and now I feel I know what he is trying to say with the song in the last verse. And I sometimes feel the same way..

Our love was comfortable and
so broken in.
She's perfect, so flawless and no, no
I'm not impressed.
No, I want you back, back.

Inside, I feel like I 'want' her back. Its a want, and it may not necessarily be a need. I have these rough patches when there is a lot of commotion and I tend to over think. The last time was around her birthday. I thought so much about what to get her and how I'm going to pass it onto her, distracting me from my week at uni. The week was simply a write off, and this week looks about the same. Want her back? I do sometimes. I try to convince myself of what I lost, how beautiful she is and if I do rekindle the relationship, that I will make it forever. It sounds crazy and this is what having fickle feelings does to you. Your head goes all over the place. Love was comfortable? Love is ride of ups and downs, and it makes you do crazy things. Skipping important commitments in order to sleep in till afternoon with her. Missing uni, justifying expensive phone calls and all that jazz. She's perfect, so flawless.. I think he is singing about someone new, a person that has a clean track record and has all the great qualities you look for in a potential long term partner. But will the two be compatible? The mistake I made was that I created unfair expectations for the ideal person I'm looking for and if she didn't meet them, then I chose to believe that she's not the right person for me. Instead I should have thought that I already had someone who cared for me as much as I did for them. That we can work on our imperfections in our relationship and starting building something for the future. At the end of the day, you just want someone to listen. And its taken this long to realise all of this...

That you were my first love.
Is just dumb, dumb, stupid love.
A technicality.
You will always be ahead of me.
Oh, oh, tell me.
Why I have to practice on you.
Why I have to practice on your heart.
Oh.

Yes, you were always ahead of me. I called you immature, but in fact it was me who could not see two steps ahead. And all we ever do now is say goodbye...

But I know that its not right to get back together. Relationships are meant to glorify God. In my case, I was being slowly dragged away from church. I became irregular with my attendance at youth group and church, which became of concern. I missed Easter camp. I was trapped in a bondage of sin that so easily entangles. And all the warning signs rang loud and clear. I had to get out, and I did. So in the light of all this, I think I can safely say that its over. Everything is over.

Why do you want to break my heart again?
Why am I going to let you try?

No, goodbye.

those little magical moments

I found what I was looking for.

And I also discovered Tony Bennett and KD Lang's 'A Wonderful World' album.

I felt as if I stepped into another world when I walked into the shop. Jazz background music and shop keepers who were very kind and warm in the heart. I didn't appreciate its value until I understood how it is made. Its certainly one of those gifts you will cherish for a lifetime. Something you will keep and pass onto your grandchildren, as she said. Its magical..

Who is it for? A close friend, a girlfriend?

Well, let say she's not my girlfriend anymore.

Oh, are you two still friends?

Not really, we haven't talked for a long time.

I'm sure you will be friends again in time, as you both mature.

And that was my Richard Mercer moment.

And sometimes those little magical moments in our lives just make life more bearable. Walking into the store and the conversations I had with the middle aged women is something I will always remember. I search for value that isnt monetary. I never had much but I always had enough. And I'm just waiting for my rocket to come.

I never run out of patience. I wait and wait. Because when the train comes, the wait was well worth it.

The second question

I had this urge to play coldplay's 'the scientist' on piano. I can play the melody but I needed help on the chords. So I sat there for a good one hour practising whilst my mum was playing Wii fit.

Masters is a life sentence. I didn't anticipate the amount of time that you have to set aside a week to keep up with the work load. And not the mention the weekly group meetings. It requires committment and a strong work ethic, which I never really had. But I'm sure that is about to change. I am paying for it at the end of the day.

MPM. Match, pledge and marry.

Its a great class. For so long I've adopted a 'worldly' take on how relationships are meant to work. I convinced myself that you should date for five to six years before you get married. In my case I plan to get married by the age of 30 and putting my ideals into context, that would mean I should find someone before I turn 23 or 24. Does it take five to six years to know that its right? For example lets say if it wasn't right. I just wasted six years of her life. With that in mind, I don't want waste a few years of someone's life. Perhaps they would have come across their 'match' in the years that I didn't date her. Back to the question of how certain one can be? If I was so certain that she was the one for me then why would I have to wait five years. You see, I had this preloaded, 'world' thinking that says you need time to clarify, a need to try out. And I had wished I never believed in this.

Try out? If you know that its not right from the beginning then you shouldn't have entered into the relationship in the first place. She is someone else's daughter after all. I may sound pretentious but I admit my wrong doing. Which is why I'm blogging about this. I wasted three years of her life, needlessly. On the back of my mind I still think if I had met her when I was 26 I would have been able to settle down with her.

"Is he or she the right one?" is the wrong question to ask. The right question, which the Scriptures teach is this one, “Is he or she the right kind of person to marry?" Prov.18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good, and receives favor from the Lord."

I asked the wrong question the first time. What I should have asked was the second.

A new hope

Sometimes things end before they are said
Before they are sung
I can't cry another day
So I'll pretend that I'm okay

Back to the drawing board I go.

The summer is coming to an end. Goodbye white sandy beaches and blue umbrella skies. And hello autumn.

After turning 21, it feels like I have opened my eyes wider than ever before. I have more interest in the perils that awaits the world. Recession. Climate Change. Wars. The Time's magazine is indeed my window pane to the world. There hasn't been a period in my lifetime where I believe that we need strong leadership in our nations to tackle the many problems the world is facing. We need our faith in our governments to be restored again. A renewed hope.

I said to someone, when tragedy strikes human compassion shines at its most brilliance. And can that be any clearer after the Black Saturday bush fires. The millions of dollars from ordinary Australians who gave generously. I was told a boy called in to donate all the money he had in his piggy bank. He had to break it open and count the coins. I remember walking outside that day, a scorching 46 degrees and persistent, gusty winds. I felt the sun pierce my skin. And the thought that one person purposely lit those fires tugs at the heart strings because so many people lost their lives dishonorably. I pray that love and human compassion rebuild those towns once again.

It's been a good summer. I redefined myself in many ways. Not to mention I raised the bar for the next valentines day. A very high bar to overcome. Maybe next time it will be serenading her as she stands at her window sill and rose petals sprinkled all over her lawn. One can only romanticise and I won't be far off it. I am quite the romanticist I've been told. And my flowery rhetoric proves that right?

Choosing my own flowers for the arrangement. Pink roses. Orange Frangipani. White/Pink lilies.
Hidden in a locker at state library. Post it notes giving clues of where to go next. And a heart shaped lollypop waiting at Suga QV. And a card. What a girl wants right?

But it wasn't enough.

University starts again for me. The final semester. And yet another phase of my life will begin to distance itself to a mere memory. And off i go...