there's not a sound
outside the snow's coming down
and somehow I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind
This is going to be one tough week. My body is riddled with sickness and my heart is not at peace. And there is a lot of work to do. I've been sleeping in bed for the whole day. I don't have the strength to move and I don't have the appetite to eat. I wish I could just sleep and wake up when all of this is over. There is only 6 weeks left of this that I have to go through. I just long for a day where I go to sleep and don't have to worry about tomorrow. But my friend said that work is like that everyday. Sigh. A breakdown comes before a breakthrough.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phillipians 4:6
This is going to be the encouragement I need.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Life in a penguin's snow globe.
Proverbs 21:17
He who loves pleasure will become poor; whoever loves wine and oil will never be rich.
Those that have wisdom, often do great things, even against those confident of their strength. It is our great concern to keep our souls from being entangled and disquieted. But the foolish misspend what they have upon their lusts. Here is the misery of the slothful; their hands refuse to labour in an honest calling, by which they might get an honest livelihood; yet their hearts cease not to covet riches, pleasures, and honours, which cannot be obtained without labour. But the righteous and industrious have their desires satisfied.
Several months ago I was doing my devotional one night and I wanted to hear from God. I wanted to know where I was going wrong in my life. So I was skimming through the book of Proverbs, stumbed across Proverbs 21:17, and right at that moment my heart knew this verse spoke of the life I lived. My soul has been deprived of peace for a long time. At times some weeks are great and you get a lot done, but others you get distracted by worldly things and it puts you off on the wrong track. The 'foolish misspend what they have upon their lusts'. It's a close friend's birthday on a Saturday night and a week prior we make up our minds that its going to be an alcohol-induced night. You sing songs, make memorable jokes but do things you regret in the morning. And you regret your actions because its puts your spiritual soul at unrest. Its a catalyst for further drawing yourself away from the light of righteous and you feel trapped in a whirlwind that is spinning in circles. Dust gets into your eyes and you can't see ahead. And not until you acknowledge the problem, will you be able to get yourself out of there. That was one month ago..
I strive to be a man. One who is able to control his emotions. One that is able to provide for his family. A person that knows what he needs in life and has the strength to go get it. Its something that I've been lacking for a while. At the age of 21 and still too boyish. Having my cup of milo made for me in the morning by my mum or being afraid of speaking up for myself. You see, my life has been a little too comfortable. I think its my parents trying to deflect reality and wanting a new start for their son. I haven't been able to appreciate their sacrifice at all. I'm complacent. Sailing on my yacht, letting the wind direct my course.
My facebook status was once, perfectly lonely.
I'm perfectly lonely
Cause I don't belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me
It's the way that I want it
It's the way that I want it
It's the way that I want it
When I was in a relationship, there was one person who I put my faith in, her. Whenever I felt the world was crumbling around me, what I would do was that I'd drop her a line and she would tell me things are going to be okay. It was all I needed. But I was really selfish. In her times of need, I was never there for her. A friend is someone who helps you up when you're down, and if they can't, they lay down beside you and listen. However all I gave was closed end responses. I didn't want to listen to her but I 'd want her to listen to me vent about my life. And now when I look back, she was right when she said I was self-centered. I was really was.
But now I choose to vent to God. In my quiet time, I lay on my bed with eyes close and pray. I pray for the things that went wrong during the week and ask about how I am going to change next week.
Side note.
2008 Reach youth group camp, God's promise in you. Piece by piece, I am seeing the words of prophecy coming to pass. I was reminded that I needed to honour God with my time, especially during exam period. In the past, I would skip church and use the day to study instead. However, now even with mid semester tests on the Monday I have heart to go on Sunday mornings fully trusting that He will endow me with the strength and wisdom I need for my studies. It may sound like a minor thing to some but to me it is one step forward. Another was that I will be stronger. At first, it was easy to take it literally and think about physique. But I don't think that was the intended meaning. Somehow I relate it metaphorically to being shaped into a man. I am learning to control my emotions better and learning to love my family more so. I hardly ever argue with my siblings anymore. I'm becoming more generous in giving, providing for others. I have the desire to pour out the love I have held back inside. And finally, my future partner. I want to relisten to it for the exact words but I do remember; someone that is beautiful inside, someone that will complement me and will care for me all of my days. Its amazing to hear those promises because it's what I need. I feel really alone at times because all I want is a phone call with someone whom I care a lot about. I want to learn to listen and share. There was so much I did wrong in past that I don't want any other girl to go through. The love I gave was that of the world, and not of the Heavenly father's love. And not until I can fully understand that concept of love, will I be able to be in a relationship.
Penguin.
He who loves pleasure will become poor; whoever loves wine and oil will never be rich.
Those that have wisdom, often do great things, even against those confident of their strength. It is our great concern to keep our souls from being entangled and disquieted. But the foolish misspend what they have upon their lusts. Here is the misery of the slothful; their hands refuse to labour in an honest calling, by which they might get an honest livelihood; yet their hearts cease not to covet riches, pleasures, and honours, which cannot be obtained without labour. But the righteous and industrious have their desires satisfied.
Several months ago I was doing my devotional one night and I wanted to hear from God. I wanted to know where I was going wrong in my life. So I was skimming through the book of Proverbs, stumbed across Proverbs 21:17, and right at that moment my heart knew this verse spoke of the life I lived. My soul has been deprived of peace for a long time. At times some weeks are great and you get a lot done, but others you get distracted by worldly things and it puts you off on the wrong track. The 'foolish misspend what they have upon their lusts'. It's a close friend's birthday on a Saturday night and a week prior we make up our minds that its going to be an alcohol-induced night. You sing songs, make memorable jokes but do things you regret in the morning. And you regret your actions because its puts your spiritual soul at unrest. Its a catalyst for further drawing yourself away from the light of righteous and you feel trapped in a whirlwind that is spinning in circles. Dust gets into your eyes and you can't see ahead. And not until you acknowledge the problem, will you be able to get yourself out of there. That was one month ago..
I strive to be a man. One who is able to control his emotions. One that is able to provide for his family. A person that knows what he needs in life and has the strength to go get it. Its something that I've been lacking for a while. At the age of 21 and still too boyish. Having my cup of milo made for me in the morning by my mum or being afraid of speaking up for myself. You see, my life has been a little too comfortable. I think its my parents trying to deflect reality and wanting a new start for their son. I haven't been able to appreciate their sacrifice at all. I'm complacent. Sailing on my yacht, letting the wind direct my course.
My facebook status was once, perfectly lonely.
I'm perfectly lonely
Cause I don't belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me
It's the way that I want it
It's the way that I want it
It's the way that I want it
When I was in a relationship, there was one person who I put my faith in, her. Whenever I felt the world was crumbling around me, what I would do was that I'd drop her a line and she would tell me things are going to be okay. It was all I needed. But I was really selfish. In her times of need, I was never there for her. A friend is someone who helps you up when you're down, and if they can't, they lay down beside you and listen. However all I gave was closed end responses. I didn't want to listen to her but I 'd want her to listen to me vent about my life. And now when I look back, she was right when she said I was self-centered. I was really was.
But now I choose to vent to God. In my quiet time, I lay on my bed with eyes close and pray. I pray for the things that went wrong during the week and ask about how I am going to change next week.
Side note.
2008 Reach youth group camp, God's promise in you. Piece by piece, I am seeing the words of prophecy coming to pass. I was reminded that I needed to honour God with my time, especially during exam period. In the past, I would skip church and use the day to study instead. However, now even with mid semester tests on the Monday I have heart to go on Sunday mornings fully trusting that He will endow me with the strength and wisdom I need for my studies. It may sound like a minor thing to some but to me it is one step forward. Another was that I will be stronger. At first, it was easy to take it literally and think about physique. But I don't think that was the intended meaning. Somehow I relate it metaphorically to being shaped into a man. I am learning to control my emotions better and learning to love my family more so. I hardly ever argue with my siblings anymore. I'm becoming more generous in giving, providing for others. I have the desire to pour out the love I have held back inside. And finally, my future partner. I want to relisten to it for the exact words but I do remember; someone that is beautiful inside, someone that will complement me and will care for me all of my days. Its amazing to hear those promises because it's what I need. I feel really alone at times because all I want is a phone call with someone whom I care a lot about. I want to learn to listen and share. There was so much I did wrong in past that I don't want any other girl to go through. The love I gave was that of the world, and not of the Heavenly father's love. And not until I can fully understand that concept of love, will I be able to be in a relationship.
Penguin.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Japan and old love
I booked flights to Osaka Japan for December. And I will be traveling by myself. This is my self-discovery adventure. There was so much doubt, fear and it did overwhelm me at first. But I wanted to do something crazy, dive into the deep end and this is it. I have three months to brush up on my Japanese and also I have to plan my trip carefully. I will stay in Kyoto, the cultural capital of Japan. Rent a bike and cycle around the city.
And day trips to Osaka and Nara. It will be one week trip, expensive I can imagine. I really need to see the world. Why?
I feel that there is so much I need to learn. So much to see. And since I'm still a 21 year old who doesn't know his place in this universe just yet, I need experiences to speak life into me. It feels like I have such a narrow view of the world. I don't see how big it is. How much there is on offer. How much there is to explore and the chances of discovering new things.
Singing lessons are going great too! And I've been learning Comfortable - John Mayer and now I feel I know what he is trying to say with the song in the last verse. And I sometimes feel the same way..
Our love was comfortable and
so broken in.
She's perfect, so flawless and no, no
I'm not impressed.
No, I want you back, back.
Inside, I feel like I 'want' her back. Its a want, and it may not necessarily be a need. I have these rough patches when there is a lot of commotion and I tend to over think. The last time was around her birthday. I thought so much about what to get her and how I'm going to pass it onto her, distracting me from my week at uni. The week was simply a write off, and this week looks about the same. Want her back? I do sometimes. I try to convince myself of what I lost, how beautiful she is and if I do rekindle the relationship, that I will make it forever. It sounds crazy and this is what having fickle feelings does to you. Your head goes all over the place. Love was comfortable? Love is ride of ups and downs, and it makes you do crazy things. Skipping important commitments in order to sleep in till afternoon with her. Missing uni, justifying expensive phone calls and all that jazz. She's perfect, so flawless.. I think he is singing about someone new, a person that has a clean track record and has all the great qualities you look for in a potential long term partner. But will the two be compatible? The mistake I made was that I created unfair expectations for the ideal person I'm looking for and if she didn't meet them, then I chose to believe that she's not the right person for me. Instead I should have thought that I already had someone who cared for me as much as I did for them. That we can work on our imperfections in our relationship and starting building something for the future. At the end of the day, you just want someone to listen. And its taken this long to realise all of this...
That you were my first love.
Is just dumb, dumb, stupid love.
A technicality.
You will always be ahead of me.
Oh, oh, tell me.
Why I have to practice on you.
Why I have to practice on your heart.
Oh.
Yes, you were always ahead of me. I called you immature, but in fact it was me who could not see two steps ahead. And all we ever do now is say goodbye...
But I know that its not right to get back together. Relationships are meant to glorify God. In my case, I was being slowly dragged away from church. I became irregular with my attendance at youth group and church, which became of concern. I missed Easter camp. I was trapped in a bondage of sin that so easily entangles. And all the warning signs rang loud and clear. I had to get out, and I did. So in the light of all this, I think I can safely say that its over. Everything is over.
Why do you want to break my heart again?
Why am I going to let you try?
No, goodbye.
And day trips to Osaka and Nara. It will be one week trip, expensive I can imagine. I really need to see the world. Why?
I feel that there is so much I need to learn. So much to see. And since I'm still a 21 year old who doesn't know his place in this universe just yet, I need experiences to speak life into me. It feels like I have such a narrow view of the world. I don't see how big it is. How much there is on offer. How much there is to explore and the chances of discovering new things.
Singing lessons are going great too! And I've been learning Comfortable - John Mayer and now I feel I know what he is trying to say with the song in the last verse. And I sometimes feel the same way..
Our love was comfortable and
so broken in.
She's perfect, so flawless and no, no
I'm not impressed.
No, I want you back, back.
Inside, I feel like I 'want' her back. Its a want, and it may not necessarily be a need. I have these rough patches when there is a lot of commotion and I tend to over think. The last time was around her birthday. I thought so much about what to get her and how I'm going to pass it onto her, distracting me from my week at uni. The week was simply a write off, and this week looks about the same. Want her back? I do sometimes. I try to convince myself of what I lost, how beautiful she is and if I do rekindle the relationship, that I will make it forever. It sounds crazy and this is what having fickle feelings does to you. Your head goes all over the place. Love was comfortable? Love is ride of ups and downs, and it makes you do crazy things. Skipping important commitments in order to sleep in till afternoon with her. Missing uni, justifying expensive phone calls and all that jazz. She's perfect, so flawless.. I think he is singing about someone new, a person that has a clean track record and has all the great qualities you look for in a potential long term partner. But will the two be compatible? The mistake I made was that I created unfair expectations for the ideal person I'm looking for and if she didn't meet them, then I chose to believe that she's not the right person for me. Instead I should have thought that I already had someone who cared for me as much as I did for them. That we can work on our imperfections in our relationship and starting building something for the future. At the end of the day, you just want someone to listen. And its taken this long to realise all of this...
That you were my first love.
Is just dumb, dumb, stupid love.
A technicality.
You will always be ahead of me.
Oh, oh, tell me.
Why I have to practice on you.
Why I have to practice on your heart.
Oh.
Yes, you were always ahead of me. I called you immature, but in fact it was me who could not see two steps ahead. And all we ever do now is say goodbye...
But I know that its not right to get back together. Relationships are meant to glorify God. In my case, I was being slowly dragged away from church. I became irregular with my attendance at youth group and church, which became of concern. I missed Easter camp. I was trapped in a bondage of sin that so easily entangles. And all the warning signs rang loud and clear. I had to get out, and I did. So in the light of all this, I think I can safely say that its over. Everything is over.
Why do you want to break my heart again?
Why am I going to let you try?
No, goodbye.
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