unquestionable practicality

i hate it when places, things on your desk or songs remind you of someone. i want to say, give me back that song. i dont want a memory associated with it, please. i walk down lygon street past the small reserve and i remember laying on the grass in my suit after an interview enjoying a coffee with a friend. although she was three years older, we understood each other and had the capacity to make our lives a little happier.

Through this twilight universe Daisy began to move again with the season; suddenly she was again keeping half a dozen dates a day with half a dozen men and drowsing asleep at dawn with the beads and chiffon of an evening dress tangled among dying orchids on the floor beside her bed. And all the time something within her was crying for a decision. She wanted her life shaped now, immediately--and the decision must be made by some force--of love, of money, of unquestionable practicality--that was close at hand.

this is an extract from the great gabsy. when i read it, it came to me as a warning. the older we get, our innocence disappears. fall in love, fall out. and perhaps until the decision of who we choose to be with is marked by the force of unquestionable practicality.

i dont want to settle for someone who is right for me now. i want to be with the best person. im afraid. fast forward four years; having a career, quarter life crisises, looking towards buying a house, there is so much more complications that will factor in when finding a suitor. and im afraid of it coming down to that force of unquestionable practicality. the simplicity or convenience of it all. i dont want that. i want it to be like a boy walking into a candy store.

my story ends with she being engaged with someone who her parents would find acceptable. which is totally fine with me. but i dont want it to happen to me with someone i truly care about. you know you truly care about them when you think about them everyday. you close your eyes and you find her there. you want to see her happy. it sounds like great, lofty things i'd say half heartedly but i really mean it.

part two.

i have this defence mechanism where by i dont get too close with someone. im afraid to try. however the law of averages states that the more you try the higher the chances you have of getting what you want. with that in mind, im going to start throwing hints from today onwards. there is less to fix, more room to build during student life.